Answer by Seth Neal:
First, congratulations on a feat that would make the Ocean's 11 guys very proud!
Second, I'm assuming you understand a few things, a) you have 2 Billion Dollars of dirty money, but you won't have $2 Billion of clean money, and b) you don't need all your funds at all times, and c) you can live much of your everyday life with some cash.
Third, if those things are true, here's what you need to do:
Step 1. You need to double time it down to your local CDL training facility and get yourself a CDL driver's license. You are going to need your Class A Commercial Driver's License with a T endorsement. Alternatively, you hire a personal driver with this license and endorsement. This won't be cheap as you'll have to get past suspicions and convince someone to work 24/7 for you, but $100K should do it. As well, you need to consider what happens if this person finds out what you are hauling around (hint, its your dollar dollar bills son). Your best bet is to find someone with a past you can use against them in case it comes to that (sex offenders are your best option here and there are many who drive semi-trailer trucks).
Step 2. You need to grab a suitcase of your Benjamins and buy the following items:
- Semi-trailer truck. Yes, a 16 wheeler. Make sure the trailer you purchase has a lift jack on it and is the 53' long one. Don't skimp on your truck or your trailer, you'll be storing your cash here for longer than you probably want. As well, have them put "Cross Country Movers" in fancy type across the trailer.
- Well built pallets. Preferably the galvanized steel kind (not that you need them, but they look baller). You'll need 28 of these.
- Cardboard pallet boxes and plastic wrap. You can buy the big pallet boxes where one box fits on one pallet for ease. But you'll still need the plastic wrap to re-inforce it. Trust me on this point.
- Pallet Jack. These are the things you see moving pallets around Costco all the time. You'll be moving your pallets of cash with this home boy.
- Large moving boxes, Pillows and other bedding, King Size mattress. Home Depot sells large moving boxes 22" x 22" x 21", buy 20 of these. Write "bedding" or "bedroom" etc on the boxes. Then put your pillows and blankets and sheets in the boxes. They don't need to be stuffed full, but you need to put enough in each box it has some weight to it. You are going to load these boxes after you load after you load your cash to create a false wall of sorts. You'll need to tape the boxes together so they don't fall down. They will go 4 across and 5 high. This will leave a small opening where you can still access your cash. This is where you'll put your King size mattress. You are basically creating a sliding door with the mattress. You just stole 2 billion dollars but this is how you are rolling now Playa.
Step 3. Load up your cash. This isn't trivial, each one of your pallets is going to weigh a little more than 1400lbs. But your pallets and your pallet jack have a load capacity of 5000lbs. So you are fine. Your boxes on the other hand will have real issues, so be sure to watch them carefully and wrap the $%&# out of them with your plastic wrap. As well, remember, you only need to fill them about 3/4 full. After you are all done, make sure your pallet jack is secured and you have a strap across the last row of pallets. You wouldn't want these things sliding out the back door! Put up your fake box wall and your mattress and close the door after securing them!
NOTE: Now, you just stole 2 billion dollars, so you may already have a secure facility to hold your cash being a master criminal and all. But if experience has taught me anything its that you want to carry your money with you wherever you go. There is no better way to hide 28 pallets of unmarked $100 bills than how I describe above.
Step 4a. Hit the road and start laundering your seed money. I hope you are ready to work hard because if you think stealing $2 Billion was hard, wait until you try to clean it up!! Thanks to all these drug lords the U.S. Government is making it very hard to launder money now days. So let me tell you the ground rules:
- You can't make any financial transaction over $10,000. Obviously that includes bank deposits, but it also includes getting a cashiers check or even buying Gold or Diamonds or any other transaction you might think of. Seriously, nothing over $10,000. Thanks Reagan.
- You want to avoid any activity that may seem suspicious to anyone when you do a financial transaction under $10,000. In other words, don't deposit $9,000 and then come back an hour later and deposit another $9,000, etc. And don't say something dumb like, "you aren't going to report this to anybody, right?". People are required by law to report any suspicious activity or potentially suspicious activity. Thanks Clinton.
Step 4b. So now that you understand the rules here's how this is going to go down, you are going to travel to the next town. After you get settled at the truck stop and you work out some local transportation you have two very important people to find. First, you need to find yourself a smurf (or two). In the states, the best smurfs are lawyers who are in their early 40s, not particularly successful but are making it and have that "mid-life crisis" look in their eyes. Divorce attorneys and civil defense attorneys are good bets to start with. Do a phone interview at first to get a feel, but then quickly setup an in-person meeting. Make sure to pay them their hourly fee upfront and only speak in hypotheticals. But basically you are going to ask them to make small deposits for you every other day for the next 2 and half months. You'll need to come up with a cover story (money you are trying to keep away from your greedy ex-wife, etc). But if they seem open to the idea, give them a briefcase with $250,000 plus their fee you negotiate (this will reasonably cost you between $20K and $50K). You'll mail them the deposit slips and banking institution. The second person you need to find is a coyote. Your best bet here is someone who is homeless. Alternatively, instead of a coyote you can forge a fake identity, but a coyote is just a much easier way to go. Your coyote needs to be someone who has valid identification and a mailing address. Preferably someone who is chronically homeless, but not someone who is totally crazy. You can't raise any red flags. Anyway, after finding this person you are going to hire them for the day. You may also need to buy them a meal, a shower and a shave, and a new set of cloths. You are a billionaire now, so this shouldn't be a problem, so save your rejections and judgements. You will be opening a few bank accounts (the same number as you have smurfs). Its important you go with the coyote and provide the initial $1000 deposit as well as the email that will be used to access the online portal. The coyote uses their information to open the account, but you control it.
Step 4c. Now that you have a couple bank accounts open and a couple people to make deposits you need to setup up your accounts to start regularly transferring money to your legitimate accounts. The way this works is you are trying to make it hard to trace where the money is going and from whom until it appears magically in your account wherever you decide to land. So, countries you need to send money through include Hong Kong, Switzerland, Singapore, Lebanon, the Cayman Islands, etc. Wherever the money lands it needs to be in a shell corporation where you can create an appearance of business. You of course are the owner of this business and are being paid well for the hard work you are doing.
Step 4d. Repeat 4a – 4c. The more smurfs you have depositing your money the better. After 10 weeks of traveling you should have at least 30 smurfs under employment. As well, you will have your first $250K of clean money. By week 20, if you don't bring any new smurfs on and don't reinvest your old smurfs with money, you'll have $7.5 Million in cleaned money at a cost of about $1.5 Million. Obviously with each smurf you employ the higher your exposure becomes, so be sure to hedge your exposure as much as possible (only contact them, change your phone with each new city, be very careful how you access your accounts online, never duplicate emails for each bank account, etc). You should only have to see them face to face one time. If they ever insist they need to see you again simply walk away forever. Yes, you forfeited some of your money, but better than going to jail pretty boy. Often people worry about the coyotes, but just don't. Even if the coyote tries to take money out of the account you'll know and can just abandon it. As well, you'll never have much over $20K in it at any given time. If you picked the right coyote you won't ever have to worry about them.
Step 5. Start Some Legitimate Businesses. You've only just begun your life long journey of cleaning up this money. But having a few million to pour into legitimate business will help you and your traveling billion get clean. Focus on those businesses that are mostly cash and hard to audit. Consider owning a 24 hour laundry mat in every town you travel to. Restaurants are always mentioned as great business to launder money, but they are huge pains in the ass to do this. A laundry mat is low maintenance and easily makes as much money as any restaurant.
Best of luck!!